I Am Neurotic (And So Can You)

There are a lot of things that bother me. Sometimes I think that there are more things that bother me than don’t bother me. But, it’s something about myself I’m learning to accept. Not change. Change requires so much effort and I’m already really tired.

1.     Books. I don’t understand when I go into someone’s house and they don’t have any books. They’ll have bookshelves, maybe, but they’re covered in picture frames. Ten pictures of themselves at their wedding, maybe a few DVDs, but no books. What do these people buy when they go thrifting? What’s on their Amazon wish list? What do they alphabetize, categorize, rearrange, and periodically dust? And, goodness, what do they say they wish they did while spending too much time on their phones???

2.     Chocolate. What is the point of dessert without chocolate? The only exception to this rule is homemade apple pie with vanilla ice cream. In November. Every other month, every other holiday, every other moment of life requires chocolate. This is a fact.

3.     Country music. Country music is a bonafide Abbie-deterrent. Don’t want me around? Play [insert country artist here, I don’t know any], and I will promptly leave. My excuse might be, “Sorry, I have to pee/pay bills/shop somewhere else because you don’t have the thing I want even though I’m carrying it my hands right now,” but what I’m really saying is, “Aaaaaaaahhhhhh!!! Why is this sound even a thing?!?!?!” It’s easily the worst genre of music ever. Okay, maybe Christian rock is the worst. I really have no use for the word “Jesus” being sung in front of painfully slow drumming.

4.     Photos taken by strangers. I’ve stopped asking people to take photos of me when I travel. Why? Because people are TERRIBLE at cropping a photo. I have feet, you know. They exist below my ankles, but, of course, you wouldn’t know that because EVERY PICTURE I HAVE OF MYSELF IS CROPPED AT THE ANKLES. If someone asks you to take a photo for them, ask them how they want it cropped or how they want the lighting, or who they want included. Actually, just tell them you’re a terrible photographer and hand the camera to someone else who is better at taking pictures.

5.     Doors. When you’ve opened a door, CLOSE IT when you’re done. That goes for cabinet doors, bathroom doors, closet doors, any kind of door really. Except the door to the washing machine. If you leave that one closed right after a load, it can get moldy. Blech.

6.     Stickers. Those stickers on Rubbermaid containers are not a part of the container’s design. They are for purchasing purposes only. And if you take them off immediately upon returning home, they come off so smoothly. It’s exhilarating.

7.     Paper. Papers should be stacked in a neat and tidy pile. Preferably organized by subject matter, paper type, paper size (largest on bottom, of course), etc. And these piles should be sifted through on a regular basis and unimportant pages should be discarded so that these stacks do not suffocate you (or me) while sleeping.

8.     Bloody pictures. I don’t want to see your most recent injury. I don’t want to see the stitches. I don’t even want to see the Band-aid that you picked out at the doctor’s office. And if the bloody injury is on your nasty foot, I will delete you as a friend because that’s strike two. (I also don’t care about sports. Two strikes and you’re out).

9.     Thick liquids spilling over jar lids. Pinterest is full of all kinds of recipes for smoothies. People seem to really love smoothies nowadays, and they also seem to grossly overestimate the volume of their hipster Mason jars. If I wanted smoothie all over my hands and kitchen counter, I’d be a toddler.

10.  Flat-boarded Scrabble. Hasbro manufactures Scrabble Deluxe boards where each tile sits in its very own perfect little rectangular depression. Why anyone would opt for the flat version is beyond me. Every time someone sets a tile down, the rest of the tiles get jostled, and one violent sneeze can ruin the entire game. Cleaning up a game on a Scrabble Deluxe board is a B-word, but it’s a problem I’m willing to overlook.

11.  iPhone clicking. Did you know that under “Settings,” you can turn OFF that incessant clicking sound your iPhone makes every time you tap a letter on the keyboard? Now you know, so do it already or I will throw your phone into a river.

12.  People other than my child eating. Coltrane can’t help it because he’s miniature, but you – yeah you! Adult over there! Put that chip in your mouth, close your mouth, THEN begin chewing. It’s really that simple. But, chew in another room, because I can still hear every crunch as if you were sitting inside of my ear and it makes me want to punch something. Your face.

13.  TV show drinking straws. Have you ever noticed that every time a person takes a sip of something through a straw on TV it makes a sound like they’re just gulping down the last of their beverage? (I bet you will now! You’re welcome.) Even if the person has just ordered their drink, and the cup is clearly full, they’ll take a sip and THAT SOUND. Go get a straw and conduct an experiment – what sound is made when you take a sip out of a full glass through a straw? No sound. That’s what sound is made. No sound at all. Stop perpetuating lies, sound engineers. Just stop.

14.  Long Scrabble words. Every Scrabble master knows that length is not often the way to scoring a lot of points. Sometimes the greatest plays are done with one tiny letter. Play that Q on a Triple Letter beside two I’s to make “QI” twice and you’ve got yourself 62 points. (Yes, “qi” is a word. Go look it up in a Scrabble dictionary.) (Yes, that’s a thing.) (Yes, a Scrabble dictionary is different than a regular dictionary.) (Remind me to never offer to play Scrabble with you).

15.  Gender inequality. When you ask my husband what he does for a living, you should probably follow that up with, “And Abbie, what do you do?” rather than just assume that because I have a three year old that you know already what I do for a living. I have quite a conversation-worthy career and a vastly rich list of hobbies that do not just involve changing diapers and cooking. Women contribute and deserve to be heard even if all you notice is my long eye roll at your misogyny.

16.  Giving candy to children. So, it’s pretty much a well-known fact that sugar is cocaine and food coloring is poison, so please stop offering candy to my child. You don’t know if my kid will break out in hives if he eats gluten, or whether his throat will close up if he inhales peanut dust, or if he turns into the Hulk when he has FD&C Red No. 40. I don’t have one of those kids, but someone else does and it’s a pretty jerk move to flaunt your lack of allergies in some poor kids face while their mom has to say, yet again, “No thank you. He’ll die if he eats that. Get with the times, dude.” Stock your pockets with stickers. Unless the adhesive is made from wheat. Dang it. Just stop noticing children at all, I guess.

17.  Doctors. If I have one more doctor give me a look like, “What do you know? I’m the doctor and you’re the patient, come back when you have M.D. written after your name,” I’m going to effing lose it. So far I have the P of Ph.D. on my resume on top of TWELVE years of experience, so you can suck it, Dr. Arrogant, because I know things that you don’t, so give me my blood work and I’ll analyze it myself. (I’m not a fun patient. Sorry, every doctor I’ve ever been a patient under).

18.  Idiots. I’ve already shared my thoughts on President-Elect Donald Doucheface, but I must revisit this (I just threw up in my mouth after typing “President-Elect). How is it possible for a country to be full of so many idiots? I live in one of the reddest states, so I’m pretty sure I’m surrounded on all sides. And if there’s one thing that grinds my gears the most, it’s idiots.

19.  Grammar. In case you’re wondering, the only reason I can handle the poor grammar within the title of this post is because Stephen Colbert said it and he’s smarter than I am, which makes it okay.

So, what makes you seem completely unapproachable and judgmental? Share in the comments!