Baby Characteristics That Would Be Funny If We Never Outgrew Them

For a more full effect, imagine your adult self in place of this cute baby:

Unapologetic farting. 

Only being able to lift your arms this high.

Crying every time you feel hungry or sleepy.

Grabbing your feet each time you lay down on your back.

Putting your mouth on everything.

Staring.

Tripling your body weight in less than a year. (Less funny "ha ha" and more funny "ew.")

Flailing your arms and legs every time you laugh.

Falling asleep on your friends at parties.

Unashamedly wearing this.

Fired & Hired

Tyler was fired from his job. I partly felt like crying, but more largely felt like saying, “You can all go to hell.” Here are 9 reasons why:

1. Tyler was called in at 9:00 p.m. on Mother’s Day - MOTHER’S DAY – to be fired. Tyler, the only employee married to a mother. 

2. Every time we were given a paycheck, we were given these instructions, “Deposit this in three days. Don’t cash it.” Thank you for telling me how to handle my earned money.

3. From January to April, all but two checks bounced. Including return check fees, the total amount owed was over $900. I’m no chump. I cashed that sucker, Sucker.

4. We picked up our last check the Monday after Mother’s Day and everyday we go to the bank to see if there are sufficient funds. It’s been a week and a half and the schmuck doesn’t have a lousy $357 in his account. I don’t let my own checking account get that low and I’m legally impoverished.

5.  I did quite a bit of work for the restaurant – I painted spirals on a huge wall, redid the menu boards (in their defense, it took me 7 months to finish), redecorated and baked cupcakes from scratch. The owner came to Rexburg a few times a month and never once bothered to learn who I was.

6.  The reason given for Tyler’s termination was, “Some employees complained.” “They complained” during interviews while Tyler was out of town (for a school sponsored trip which Tyler gave 8 months notice). Tyler was never interviewed.

7. What were the complaints? “I don’t know. You can call the owner.” We left a voice message, and 9 days later, we haven’t heard back.

8. Tyler has worked in many kitchens and knows his health code regulations. Many are violated daily.

9. Tyler was THE BEST employee they had. I don’t say this because he was my favorite employee. I say this because I heard this from several of his friends, customers and coworkers. He was promoted to assistant manager after only a few months, he was the best cook, the most loyal to the business, the most honest and direct to his coworkers; and while yes, I imagine some employees did complain about him, I believe it was because he took the job most seriously.  He had a family to support and he expects people to not be stupid.

You might ask, “Why did Tyler work under such conditions for so long?” If you’ve ever tried to find work in Rexburg, you know the answer. When you find someone who will hire you despite your weird school schedule, you stay.

On the Tuesday after Mother’s Day, Tyler printed out 10 copies of his resume and hastily began his new job search. He never made it to the second place on his list. He was called in for an interview and hired 2 hours later. One week down and his first paycheck cleared.

Things Not to Post

Recently on Facebook, people have been posting lists with titles like, “Things Not to Say to Pregnant Women,” “Things Not to Say to People Who Don’t Want Children,” “Things NOT to Say to Your Biracial Coworkers,” etc. In fact, type “Things Not to Say” into Google and you’ll think to yourself, “I must never talk to anyone ever again.”

Of course, I’ve said some of those things to people. Who hasn’t? I had the same woman on two different occasions say to me while I was pregnant (in her defense, I had cut and colored my hair after the first encounter), “Wow, you look like you’re about to pop!” It was annoying. Even at the time I delivered at 38 weeks, I never looked “pop”able. And while this phrase was, for sure, included in that first list, I figured she meant no harm. I’m sure this was just her go-to, casual, small-talk phrase she said to every woman with a distended abdomen.

And that’s just it, people mean no harm – no one intends to offend anyone. I know sitcom writers like to make their characters edgy and abrupt because it makes for more interesting dialogue, but people in real life are almost always kind (to people’s faces; what’s said behind closed doors need not be factored in my argument).

Among my list of “Things Not to Do on Facebook,” I’m going to add sharing “Lists of Things that Make Your Friends Feel Like Huge Jerks.” (For a more comprehensive list of “Things Not to Do on Facebook,” be on the lookout, for I may write it down one of these days in order to unleash some pent up aggression.)

Consistently Imperfect

Blogging makes me a little nervous. I used to think that blogs were just another way to prove how interesting one's life was - always perfect, photographed with a nice camera, where dinner is always delicious, the children are always smiling and the house is always tidy. I somehow assumed that these people's lives were exactly as they portrayed and it made me feel as if I was missing something. My photography, cooking and most recently, mom skills were not enough by comparison. But, did you know that NO ONE shares what their life is really like on the internet? I like to think that if they did, we would see lots of photos of people on couches, watching Netflix with a $5 Little Caesar's pizza and a pile of laundry in the corner - all photographed slightly out of focus with out-dated overhead lighting.

I recently took on the job of painting new menu boards for Sammy's in Rexburg. I've never considered myself an artist. More on that in a later post, I'm sure. I cried and procrastinated for weeks about this huge project - "So many people are going to see these signs! What if they aren't perfect?" Sammy's original artist, a man named Colt, is a professional. A darn good (and expensive) one. At first glance, his signs looked perfect. But after weeks of staring, I realized that his work wasn't perfect at all. Words weren't centered, the word "tortilla" was missing the second "T" and the swirls had unclean edges. While it wasn't perfect, the style worked because it was consistent. I could do that. So, instead of being paralyzed by trying to be perfect, I could proceed by focusing on being consistent.

Colt:

Me:

Consistent imperfection may sound negative, but to me it's motivating. Perfection is negative, paralyzing and fearful. It is made evident in my room full of unfinished projects, the days it has taken me to get this post just right and the months to gain enough confidence to share it. Let us raise our fists in the fight to be consistently imperfect.

Love.